Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Sweeping the dirt out

Currently I'm in a phase in my life (again), where I ponder why I'm not married yet. It's not like I spent my days so far in a dungeon, hidden from people. Certainly not. But still not married... still not married... still not pregnant... getting older and still not pregnant. When my mother was my age, I was already five years old! My grandmother even said this fact to my face once. That hurt.

But I don't want to marry just anyone. I'm not married yet, because I broke up each and every one of my relationships. And I had reasons. Good reasons in my opinion, which didn't always match my partner's opinion on the matter.

I ended my first relationship, because it didn't deserve this label.
I ended the second relationship a few times (he did, too) and made it final after four years of struggling with it. This was sad, he was my first love and you know. I wanted to marry him and have lots of babies. And a house. And two big cars. I wanted all the sugary happiness from the TV-commercials and more. But we were just too young, made too many mistakes, hurt each other too often. We hadn't quite worked out yet who we wanted to be and couldn't deal with each other because if this. It was just too early.
Plus we were a really bad match.
The third one was ended by him, because of his depressions and I would have signed that statement anyway. We agreed. We had always agreed actually, never really had a fight. Sadly we agreed on the break-up, too.
The fourth one I ended because of his depressions. See a pattern forming? Fuck. Anyways, he had big issues and it not only was disturbing for me. He also concentrated so much on "us", that he neglected the work on himself and it made him worse. A relationship should make you better imho, so I left. I'm glad to report he's a lot better nowadays. Not that we would have lots of contact.
The fifth I ended because I was deeply in love. But it just wasn't reciprocated. Nothin' to do about it. Shoganai.
And I just recently ended things with Certain Someone. Basically left him sitting in a big pile made out of his own problems. Which was exactly the reason why I left: He had so many problems and pushed them all onto me. I'm all in for helping my partner (that's what a partner is there for, huh?), but I had to draw a line when I realized it was destroying me.

Not to mention I had too little action in all these relationships. But I guess, this is to be expected since other things also didn't work out. Can't be great in one part and fucked up in the other. Wouldn't be logical.

What about those reasons that piss all the other women off?
Infidelity? I don't give a shit. Do what you want, stay safe, come back and don't ask me where I've been. Lack of money? I've never had a lot of money in my life, I can deal with it as long as there's an upwards trend. Porn? Sheesh, it's not the '50s anymore. He talks too little? Good Lord, you can talk things to death, seriously. It's better to talk less. It's a matter of quality, not quantity. He always, always wants sex? Send him over. Please.

I'm not afraid of things I don't know yet. You got kids? Dunno, bring them on, I might like it. You wanna live in France for a few years? Cool, I'm in. You're younger / way older than me? Who knows, if this will ever be an issue.
And as it turns out, none of these things ever were the dealbreaker.

So. Still not married. But I'm not going to sit here and wait for the happiness to come. I'm gonna go out and get it!


  1. Open minded with a sexual appetite.

    Someone should be doing the "Treat her like a Princess in public and a nympho slut everywhere else" thingy. ;)

  2. @Chris
    And marry me. Important detail that you forgot there. ^^

  3. roar! Hello :D
    I like that bit where you say you're going to go out and get your happiness yourself. You go girl!
    And you really are my soulmate. I want to get married too! All my friends are getting married off and I'm just sitting being all awkward penguin by myself.
    And I just realised I'm listed as Soulmate on your blog roll! *squeal* I wuv you <3

    (I'm sorry, I just came back from running and I'm really high right now)

  4. Maybe your mother got married and had children too early! :)
    Go our, and get your happiness now! Hugs.

  5. @ Francesca
    That's for certain! But somehow this doesn't make it easier for me... the pressure is there anyway.
    Thanks for the hug. :-)