Sunday, November 10, 2013

Strangest woman

A year ago I bought a used futon over the web for the Auction Winner, because he's a bit on the sensitive side and therefore can't sleep in my bed. Cause it hurts him. It bites him in the back. I love my waterbed, but it isn't for everyone. Apparently.

So I bought this nice futon. The seller, a woman, told me she'd bring it to my house for me to inspect and decide if I will really buy it. She offered this, since she was just staying at a friend's house two streets away. She came over and the Auction Winner and me debated a while. She got bored during our bantering and walked off! She wandered into our kitchen and scared my flatmates with her sheer presence. She really made herself at home, pointing out our view from the kitchen window (which is complete shit, believe me) and complimented them both on the wonderful flat they inhabit. She wasn't downright rude, but it was massively weird and juuust over the line.
I bought the futon in the end. She left.

A day later she called me to say she'd forgotten the bedsheet in which she had wrapped the futon for transport. No news to me. I asked her, if I should throw it out for her. (It looked really done to me.) She told me no, no, NO, it's a very good bedsheet and she wants it back and she'll come by sometime to pick it up.

Three months later I threw the bedsheet out. I hadn't heard from her since her last call and I wasn't going to run after her because of her stuff. Pfff.

Today. Today! Today the doorbell rang. We don't open the door to unannounced people.
But we live on the ground floor and as I got up from the carpet (I had been exercising. On the carpet. As you do.) some woman spotted me and waved frantically. She came to my window, I opened it and the following took place:
Michelle: "Yeah?"
Strangest Woman: "I came by to collect my bedsheet."
Now I remembered who that woman even was! I hadn't stored her face in my memories, but someone asking for a bedsheet could only be the futon-woman.
Michelle: "I don't have the bedsheet anymore."
Michelle: "After three months I threw it out."
I was just looking at her.
SW: "That was a fine bedsheet! In plus size! Why did you throw it out! It was worth a lot!"
I raised my eyebrows a bit and shrugged. She gave up and left.

WTF! She didn't even realize that a whole year had passed!
I cannot be expected to hold onto the stuff of strangers for God knows how long. Three months was way enough!

How do those strange people manage their lives, I wonder...

Friday, October 25, 2013

Low energy

I'm wasting my life. Absolutely. How, you ask? Well, I live for work apparently. I never wanted to do that, but it seems this is what I do. And I do this without spending fuckloads of hours in the office. The key is my behaviour after work.

You see, I want to live a fulfilled life. I don't want to come home from work and plonk down in front of the TV until I zonk out. Which is why I don't have a TV. Maybe I shouldn't have a computer either. Because when I come home from work I just PLONK DOWN IN FRONT OF IT until I'm too tired and go to bed.

There you have it. I wasn't even tired before. My work does not include rolling rocks up the hill, so I'm actually not utterly exhausted when I come home. Yet I manage to not manage anything. Gawd, nowadays I feel like I've really accomplished something, when I've fixed my lunchbox for tomorrow, got myself dinner and did aaaall the dishes. Honest! I'd even think to myself: "Well done, Michelle!" Hah!
Does it get any more pathetic than this? Does it? I can't imagine.

Why am I doing this? Because I'm all out of energy. Not tired yet, but my energy level would suggest, I'm already asleep.

But there are so many things I could do! There are letters and postcards and emails to write, Swedish books to read (or to ... ehem ... fight through), sewing to do, friends to call, Japanese to study, a household to maintain, a relationship to enjoy and shitloads of other things. But... after work... I find myself unable to do anything that requires active participation. My head is empty and my body is so, so heavy.
So I fill up on blogposts and videos and whatnot. Meh. I don't even have energy to comment! How is this even possible?!

Gah! Do not want.

Today I will write all those emails and comments I put off! Really! I started off with blogging, so it can't go wrong, right? Right?


Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Wrong memories

Everybody forgets things. This can be very frustrating. Mostly for others.

Last Friday, I went to a small, private movie-event. A friend of mine hosts this small event at her house every  few months. Mostly you get to meet the same people there every time. Which can be nice. Or not.

There always comes a married couple, who are kinda funny. The woman can't shut up during the movie and gives a running commentary in the exciting (for her) scenes: "Ooooh-oh! Oh! Oh no! No! Oh. Whew." Mostly that's very funny, because she gets excited at the most non-exciting scenes.
Her husband is nice, but weird. How's he weird? Well, it was maybe two or three years ago that my godmother introduced me to him "This is Michelle" and SINCE THEN he has been calling me Nicole! Pisses me off, actually. Though it is quite comical. So this time he greeted me, then squinted at me and said: "You're Nicole, right?" My smile just fell off my face. I remembered spending the last four previous meetings telling him how I'm Michelle and how weird and so very funny (haha) it is that he always remembers me as Nicole. Not this time, I thought. Explaining and correcting obviously don't do any good here. So I said: "No, I'm not Nicole, but we might as well leave it at that. I have been telling you my name over and over and now I don't want anymore. Call me Nicole, I don't care." I was just so bored. I felt like being in a infinite loop, having the same conversation every time I meet him. He didn't like that: "I can't help it. I once stored this memory wrong, it's not that bad, is it." But nobody ever introduced me to him as Nicole, so where does he even get the idea?!
I just found it too time-wasting to talk about my name again, when I can be sure he'll forget it. That in turn frustrated him a lot.
But I think it's right to refuse boring conversations, when I'm not getting paid to converse. I'm mortal. I can't spend my limited time with stuff that peels my skin off from boredom.

Nicole. Can you believe it?!

Sunday, September 15, 2013


So I've been busy lately pulling myself out of the hole I had fallen in. Busy like really busy. That's the only way to explain how it could happen that I remembered on Friday "Oh, I'm invited to a wedding. Tomorrow."
Well, shit. Can't ditch it, cause that's just not who I am. I'm invited, I will go. Period.
So I got myself organised, grabbed the present I already had and came up with an idea for the required small present and crafted the recipe they were collecting from everyone to make a recipe book for the couple. I can't craft shit, so I just wrote it down in Sütterlin. My hand almost fell off. I cursed so much at my absolute inability to write without mistakes. But I made it.

So, I've been to the best wedding ever.

The wedding ceremony was in a church in the neighbourhood of my parish. Actually I thought they'd chosen the church just next to our parish (our own church was to be too small), but they'd chosen one further down the street, where I hadn't been all my life. I wasn't the only one thinking like they'd chosen the neighbour's church. A woman from my parish went to the wrong church. And there was even a wedding! So she went to the altar to place the goods she's been bringing for the service and then realized that something's not quite right. So she had to leave the place again exclaiming "I'm at the wrong wedding!" Gawd, how embarrassing! I laughed so hard when she told me this. But she deserved it. Awful person that she is. Full of hatred. Bah! She asked me if I'm still in contact with <insert name here>. So it happens the groom has the same name as Certain Someone, who also had been at the party. And I thought, she can't be asking about the groom, but I asked for clarification which person she meant. Her answer? The groom of course, and she wouldn't give a shit about anything else and wouldn't want to know! Excuse me, I was just asking. And of course I'm still in contact with the groom! I've just been at his wedding, DUH!
She went on to rant about parents who drive their children to school, because they just spoil their children. Prompted the parents do it out of concern for the security of their children she ranted even more how that's bothersome. WTF! She doesn't even have children, so what does she know.
People like that just piss me off majorly.

The wedding ceremony was very nice. Very nice. The groom had his choir there to sing and... and... and since it's too much to just describe every detail I'll just say it was all very well done. Really touching. When it came to the vows the groom just peeped an "okay" which made everyone giggle. The bride's answer was a firm and strong "yes".
At the Eucharist I turned around (cuz I'm curious who's behind me, you know) and saw this beautiful girl standing there. I'd say we just clicked. Have you ever taken one look at a person and felt that you'll like this person? Well, it was just like that. I knew, I had to talk to her at the party. She felt the same, so I made a  new friend. 

I arrived at the party place early so faffed around by talking to random people. Really nice aunt of the groom and relatives of the bride who were helping out organising everything. The aunt gave me her card, I gotta write her. I then put my backpack (full of warm clothing for the way back, summer's over!) just at a some random seat while I waited for my new friend. I had bad luck right there and then: A couple from my parish came over to me and talked to me. Do you know such people who always get in your personal space while talking? Getting closer and closer? Then I pity you. These guys and especially the husband are like that. I kept taking steps back until I hit the wall (in a HUGE hall) and then I just turned around and went away. They later sat down just at my backpack. Help! My new friend arrived and I went to rescue my poor backpack from these people. Dear couple, if you're reading this: I'm just being polite about it so you haven't noticed yet, but I effing hate you, so please stay away from me.

So I was seated then at a table with awesome people. Coincidentally all Asians and some even Japanese. I don't choose my friends for their ethnic background, really. Just coincidence. We had a great time chatting, following the (short, but well done) program and later dancing. I haven't been dancing for so long. This was so good. The dance floor was full at all times. Even though we all agreed the music was kinda meh. But people were creating a wonderful atmosphere and it was fun all around. I could have danced forever, but around midnight they were getting tired and started leaving.

Overall a wonderful wedding, a great party. It pulled me out even more. 

Remember: For parties only invite awesome people and it'll be great.
Because I've been at quite some weddings by now (Can you guys stop getting married around me?! Pisses me off. Just saying.) and this was by far the best party. I've been to a wedding in a castle and the party wasn't that great. So location isn't everything. Really. The people are. I've been to weddings were the majority was refusing to dance even one time. Sucks. Also a too long program, even if it's lovingly made, kills the buzz. 
Let the people celebrate!

Monday, September 09, 2013

No fair!

I'm angry at my body.
I mean, I got a new job and therefore a lot more time after work. I like my life and could now use all this time to enjoy it. Also I got stuff to do. Friends to visit, places to be, mails to write, sewing to do.

But I feel like shit all the time. Depressed as fuck.
As usual I don't really know where this depression comes from. Could be anything (of course life's not perfect after all) and it could be nothing. I just don't know.

I know how to fight my depressions. Go out, do sports, meet people. Stay busy with things I enjoy and mean something to me.
But I somehow feel the depression slowly eating up all my energy. Energy that I need to do things.
To top all this I feel like crying all the time. Every thought that my brain pulls up is so excrutiating I could just bawl over it.

And this morning was just too much. I'm angry. I woke up feeling like shit, because I had a looong dream about my parents and my boyfriend and my friends and it was all mixed with feelings of being unwanted, resented and no-one-likes-me. It was all about these feelings.
I mean... what the fuck is this shit! My body is supposed to produce all these happyhappyhormones to help me! I'm supposed to sleep like a rock and feel rested when I wake up! But this is not right!

No fair!

Monday, August 12, 2013

Let go!

I have a bad habit and I can't seem to get rid of it. Which is actually the bad habit: I can't get rid of anything!

I constantly find myself brooding over things from years ago.

Like this thing I said on my first day at school that made a girl in my class cry. I still feel bad for her. Does she still remember? Should I have apologised? Even years later? I wish I could have thought in that moment a bit more. But I was 6 and it was all a bit much.
Or these things my parents did and said to me. All of these things. Or what I said back. And then I brood over them. Why did things escalate that way? Why did they do this and why did I do that?
I also brood and talk (way too much) about the things at work. I want to shut the door at work and leave all work-related things there, but they still swirl around in my head.
I still find myself being very angry at Certain Someone. Sometimes things just pop into my head and cause me to internally blow up about them. I know I'm still angry, because of this deep feeling of betrayal that lingers all over this relationship. But still, there's no need to brood about him, his doings or his children anymore. It's been over two years! Get over it already!

Why can't I get over things? It pisses me off!
How do other people do it?

I don't know how to change this, since I've always been that way. I don't know different. But after all this time of brooding about things that don't even really belong into my life anymore I want to get rid of this!

No more brooding!

Thursday, June 27, 2013

I fear for my career

And this rhymes!
Oh the joy.

It's no news to anyone that careers are hard! Aside from this common knowledge I think everyone experiences the hardships of a career differently. One might have a choleric boss or mean colleagues or just a shit job. Though I'm guessing a real shit job means no career at all...

In my case the actual hardship is building up myself. I just finished my degree a year ago and I need aaaallll~ the input my job can give me. One day I hope to lose this gnawing feeling that I know nothing and absolutely nothing. Shit feeling, that. Makes applying for jobs extremely complicated.

Interviewer: "So, what wonderful knowledge do you have that makes you profitable for this company?"
Me: "Nothing. I know nothing."
        Awkward pause.
Me: "But I wanna learn! No, really! I'm really motivated!"
        Even more awkward pause.
Me: "Well, I got a degree..."

You see?! Shit feeling, that.

So I chose my jobs so far over their potential of teaching me great things. In my current job I was to learn how to calculate a whole project. Of course this didn't start on the first day. I had to learn more basic stuff first and fit myself into the company. I was not fussed about this at all. But after 6 months I was fussed. Heh.
Turns out the guy responsible for all the calculating here sucks donkey balls and I'd do best not learning anything from him. (How did this company survive, you ask yourself! Well, it sure didn't strive.) But my boss told me they were about to employ a fabulous guy with lotsa experience, who then would teach me. Learn from the masters and all. Yeah! Yeah. Sure.

Turns out the new guy is waaaayyy too great to teach anyone anything. Also it seems they didn't tell him about me not being his secretary and gimme-a-copy-of-that-gal. I began fearing for my career. If I keep on doing this here, I'll never climb up any ladder, anywhere.

So I went for an awkward interview. Again.
And almost cried on the way out. Man, what a bad interview! Totally did not go well.

They called yesterday. I got the job.

Life is full of wonders.

Wednesday, June 05, 2013

Spring, autumn, then what?

So spring seemed to finally have sprung, but that was only for a few days. To fool us humans. I even had taken my bike out the basement thinking I'd be all sportive and go to work by bike. I did that all for two days in a row, because what followed was autumn. Or the rainy season, as Akane calls it. Which is just about the same, I think.

God, it started gushing down. And getting cold. Dark, cold, rainy. Autumn. I even got the autumnal cold everyone is required to get. Everyone gets this, right? Right?

Anyway. It rained and rained and stormed. Quite great actually as long as you don't have to be out there. Or if you're properly dressed and can enjoy it. Which I did the other day. I got my gumboots and umbrella and headed for the river just down the street.
That's how it looked. Bombsite really. Muddy mess. Great fun with gumboots!

The river was quite high already, so I tried to make a picture of that.
Okay. So much for my picture-taking-skills. But let me assure you. There was just one centimeter left until flooding the freshly laid stone-riverbank.
Was highly entertaining. Also had those gumboots for a good few months now and finally had found a moment to use them. Makes for a pretty happy me.
But this is what was the next day.

Woah! This is where I walked, people. Just the day before. Crazy.
And the river went even higher.

Okay. It's not only my bad skills, but also my camera is shite.  But you get the idea. My. Goodness.
The last time it was that bad was 6 years ago.  I was on crutches at the time and guess what? It was autumn.

Rainy season indeed.

The water is now receding, leaving even more of a muddy mess behind. Wonder how long it'll take for grass to grow... Hopefully not too long. I want my riverbank back! 

So we had a few days spring, about two weeks or so autumn and now it all looks like summer? I don't trust it.

Wednesday, May 08, 2013

The small things

Due to work I hardly see my beautiful city nowadays. That's sad. Especially as spring seems to finally, finally have sprung and one could go places and stuff.

But no. Work it is.

Time to be happy about the small things!

What made me really happy today were my blue bell flowers-plants. They're not real bell flowers, at least I will not call them that until they have the actual bell flowers. I have three. One is two years old and the others are only one year old. The older one is a huge bush, while the young ones stay small and somehow crippled. I don't know what's going on. Maybe bullying?

Anyway. So today I checked and found tiny buds. Bell flower buds. Yay!
At least four of them. Double-yay!

Only on the older one though.
I'm so looking forward to having my windowsill full of blue bell flowers. Might even post a pic then.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Hard to breathe

God, I'm furious!

Since December we've had problems with our heating system and it sucks to have that during winter. We told our apartment management and they sent a mechanic to look at it. The mechanic then proceeded to build in something extra, some special part that's supposed to make everything just great. Well... it did the opposite.
The problems grew so severe that we told the management we wouldn't be paying the full rent until it's all repaired.
Sadly, it's now April and the damned thing still doesn't work the way God intended. Let me spare you the number of letters, calls and mechanics.
Maybe because of this or whatever my flatmate has been pretty bitchy for the last three months, but since I'm such a tolerant person I ignored that. Okay. I'm not a tolerant person, I'm just someone who hates to be bothered by crap like bitchiness.

So I'm actually in a constant state of pissed-off-ness and here it comes.

My flatmate, who pays the rent for all of us after we paid our parts to her, told me yesterday she paid the whole rent.
What? Why? Well, because it's obviously not helping thing that we withheld a part of it. So she decided we stop doing that.
What? She? Shouldn't WE decide? Well, yes, she should have talked with us, but well, she didn't.
WTF? Why? Well, she doesn't have an answer to that and could I leave her room now.
She didn't want to talk about it. At all. I figured yelling wouldn't do much good, so I walked away. Calmly. Fuming.
How dare she making decisions on her own about MY money!

I mean, I trusted her so much I even gave her my money. I trusted she would consult me about the course my money would take. That trust is totally gone.

I wonder how to go on from here...

Monday, April 08, 2013

I have no words

Yesterday I got the news. My aunt died.

She had cancer and she had it for years. Her condition had worsened lately. We all knew what was coming and still it's a shock.

We will all miss her.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Earrings and stubbornness

When I was little, I stayed over at my grandparents a lot during summer. I loved these times. My grandma and me played shop countless times, where I was the the shopkeeper and she came by and bought all kinds of things from me. Building bricks starred as everything. She payed with imaginary money.
I also strayed around their beautiful garden and ate strawberries, blueberries and redcurrants. They also had loads of blackcurrants, but I didn't eat them, because my grandma used them to produce the bestest marmalade of the planet.
My grandma is also a very dominant person and always tried to make me do stuff I didn't want to do. Like eating up. Or washing my hands.
One day she wanted me to get my earlobes pierced, so I could wear earrings. I've known about this topic, because my mother had also been pressing me about this. But I just wasn't the girliest girl, you know? I was known for running with the boys. Earrings weren't appealing to me at all. I just didn't understand why they all wanted me to have these things. So I said no. My grandma asked again. I said no again. She asked again. She asked for days on end. I felt she wouldn't stop, if I didn't give in. So I said yes.
She took me to a shop, where some dude pierced my earlobes. It didn't hurt. It wasn't even scary. Same dude explained to my grandma that I wouldn't be able to wear the wonderful gold earrings she bought (months ago btw), because for like two weeks I would have to wear some others, that wouldn't grow in and prevent infection and whatnot. She was disappointed, but I didn't really care. Okay, I would wear earrings now. Why would I care? I couldn't even see the damned things!
I returned to my parents. My mother was glad about the earrings. My grandmother had achieved what she couldn't: She had talked me into this.
Some time later, maybe a week or so, my parents exchanged the special earrings for the gold ones my grandma had bought. I disagreed, saying the time wasn't up, but they exchanged them anyway. Because grandma wanted me to use the gold earring she bought and gold is the best thing anyway and what did the shop-dude know. Hold still.
Some days later my ears hurt. A lot. I told this my parents and they concluded after looking that the earring on the right side had grown in and the one on the left side almost had. So they decided to take them out. Left side wasn't so bad, I don't even remember. Right side I do remember. My parents had to hold me while they ripped it out. I screamed. It hurt a lot. I don't remember the pain exactly, but I remember struggling during it and crying and sobbing afterwards. I cried to my mother why they all did this to me. She defended themselves that it was my decision to have earrings. But I only did it, because grandma talked me into it, I cried. You should have just said no, my mother said. But grandma wouldn't stop, so I said yes, I cried even more. She talked me into this, I didn't want this, I clarified. My mother answered before she stood up and left me alone: Then never let anyone talk you into anything ever again!
And that's how I became this stubborn person that I am now.
Thank you, grandma!

Wednesday, January 09, 2013


A few gems from the training course at work that I went through yesterday and today and have to endure on Friday, too.

Boss: "So, if you don't get along with your direct superior, what do you do?"
Random dude: "I'll turn to the department chief."
Boss: "Right! And what do you do, if you don't get along with the department chief?"
Random dude: "I'll turn to the boss, to you."
Boss: "Right. And what do you do, if you don't get along with me?"
Random dude: "I'll quit my job."
Boss: "Right."

Work is so much fun. If you get along with your boss.

Another dude was giving us a shit presentation, which aimed to teach us how to use a certain software. So he opened this window with a huge map and all kinds of things and says:
"Well, this is huge and pretty complicated. Sadly, you can't type in here, what you are searching for."
Audience: "Yes, you can!"
"No, you can't!"
Audience: "Yes, you can! Click Navigation. Navigation! Left. Left. Left. Down. Further down. Yes, there! Click it!"

Training courses are not only for the audience. Everybody can benefit!

Only Friday left to endure, only Friday...

Friday, January 04, 2013


I'm back!
And I needed a change around here, couldn't stand the strawberries anymore. Damn, I can't even eat strawberries! But I still like them... Anyway, I can't eat grass either and still it's the new background. You can't base all your preferences on if it's edible or not. For example I luuurve the Auction Winner's taste, but he stubbornly resists being eaten. And bitten. Men are so whiny. Ts.

Life was so eventful, I had a lot to work on. Plus my dear laptop kinda died on me and needed to be revived by my dear Auction Winner, which took weeks. I realized how much more stuff I get done without Internet. Mostly reading. That's great, but still... I like the Internet and even need it for some things, so I'm really glad to be back.
Sooo, what was so eventful? Well, I got a new job! I'm very happy with it and pray they are as happy with me, so they'll keep me. The tasks are cool, the colleagues are nice as are the bosses. The money is also better than in the previous job. I'm still getting used to it all and I guess this is why I'm having strange, exhausting dreams every night. Every damn night. I wake up multiple times during the night being totally exhausted from running around frantically in my dreams. Sometimes I even live full lives! With worries and all. It ages me, I'm sure. I want this to stop, to get me down from all this being oh-so-alert all the freaking time. So today, after work I did a lot for myself. I went to the cinema and then took a looong bath. Followed by sitting in bed and blogging. I already feel a lot more relaxed. Let's hope the best for the night.

I watched the last Twilight movie tonight and I really enjoyed it. I know, I know... "Eeeew, Twilight". All I can say is haters gonna hate and I can't take care of everyone's feelings. I liked that movie. I like the books. They're not great literature, but I still like them. They're also great for reading up on some English for everyday life, since the characters speak in normal dialogues and the descriptions are about people and things like nature and feelings, so it's easy to understand and easy to put to use. An easy read. I've had my problems understanding Narnia, because some sentences and descriptions were just lost to me. No dictionary could help me and damn! people just don't speak that way. I much rather learn how to speak naturally.
Whatever. The movie.
I really liked it. I had waited until the crowds of teenies had all seen the movie, so I was spared from the constant squealing. But the cinema was as disgusting as ever. My shoes actually stuck to the floor in front of my chair and it took some force to rip them off. Ew. That's what I just paid 9 Euros for?! It's pure insolence! I wouldn't go to this cinema anymore, if the other cinemas weren't just as disgusting as this one. It's the same in every city. Great. Just. Fucking. Great.
The movie! It's a weird thing with adaptions from a book that you've read. You go there and you already know all the story. You want to enjoy what you've already enjoyed. That's kind of a weird motive, if you ask me. While watching, you like everything that's according to the book. You nod and think to yourself "that's just like the book". When something was left out, you miss it and feel deprived. When something is actually changed, you even are enraged. "That's not like the book at all!" you scream in your head. Instead of being happy to be given a new turn to a loved story. But no, we all want, what we already know. Boring much?
The book had been pretty long and some things were much to read and imagine, but wouldn't have been much to see. So some things needed to be changed and I think it was well done. But when the actual showdown of the movie came, I was frozen in my seat. I was locked in place there, staring at the screen (because that's what I was there for, wasn't I?) and screaming in my head. "That's not like the book at all! That's different! That's so different! What the fuck is this! Main characters are dying! There is a huge fight going on! The book was totally pacifistic and this is not like the book at all!"
Then it was revealed that it was just a vision. A could be. A possibility not come true. I thawed out and my hands and arms felt tingly. A rush of adrenaline or something. Lately I react so physically to everything. A bit of smoke in the air and I already cough out bits of my lung. A bit of stress and I sleep like shit. A bit of surprise in a movie and my pulse is racing. Mostly I'm annoyed to be so sensitive to downright everything, but there I loved it! So different from what I expected and so much better than the book. It was great.

So is being back. I missed you all!