Monday, September 09, 2013

No fair!

I'm angry at my body.
I mean, I got a new job and therefore a lot more time after work. I like my life and could now use all this time to enjoy it. Also I got stuff to do. Friends to visit, places to be, mails to write, sewing to do.

But I feel like shit all the time. Depressed as fuck.
As usual I don't really know where this depression comes from. Could be anything (of course life's not perfect after all) and it could be nothing. I just don't know.

I know how to fight my depressions. Go out, do sports, meet people. Stay busy with things I enjoy and mean something to me.
But I somehow feel the depression slowly eating up all my energy. Energy that I need to do things.
To top all this I feel like crying all the time. Every thought that my brain pulls up is so excrutiating I could just bawl over it.

And this morning was just too much. I'm angry. I woke up feeling like shit, because I had a looong dream about my parents and my boyfriend and my friends and it was all mixed with feelings of being unwanted, resented and no-one-likes-me. It was all about these feelings.
I mean... what the fuck is this shit! My body is supposed to produce all these happyhappyhormones to help me! I'm supposed to sleep like a rock and feel rested when I wake up! But this is not right!

No fair!


  1. Aw man that's the pits. I hope you can find a baby step up between feeling depressed and getting to the stage where you can fight your depression. I know I have had my bouts and battles before with depression. Sometimes you see the next step but it looks so far and hard to reach that it even depresses you more. Maybe try some sunbathing in the afternoon and a long soak before bed can help stimulate some good sleep. There is always melatonin, some people don't want to take anything to help with getting sleep but it's worth a try. Sometimes getting the rest you need is the baby step required to combat your depression.

    I am sending good, positive vibes your way. :)

    1. I'm having good and bad days and all shades in between. Today was a better day. But it's all so brittle and shaky.
      Thank you for your positive vibes! And you made me laugh. Like this: sunbathing haha! :-D It's raining. Of course it is. Summer's over, the weather screams. As if summer had been really here, ts.
      A baby step right now seems to be a nap after work and then trying to get something done. Worked today. A bit. Still not much energy, but I don't want to push myself too hard.