Friday, February 28, 2014

What a bother

Applying for a new job sucks. Badly.

First, because you have to and being forced into doing something is just never fun.
Second, because it's all bullshit. Children's theatre for adults. With a lot of carnival. I never liked carnival. Never liked having to dress up to pose as somebody I am not. (Seems like a lot of people actually love that, but I always found it bothersome and annoying.)
Third, because it's a lot of work. Writing applications with a nice design and a nice picture (applications around here MUST have one) and even though there are rules to all of that you have to fill it with glamouring personality and all your qualifications and stick out from the crowd.

It leads me to thinking about how much glamour and personality and qualifications I really have and I find it all very depressing. The most annoying is that it fills me with a lot of self doubt, which in the end will turn out to be totally unneccessary, because the big bosses don't care about my glamour or personality one bit! They just want someone dependable who doesn't give them any trouble.
To think I do so much for them!

I dress up in stuff I'd never wear voluntarily. I smile at people I don't know and don't care about. I tell them stuff about myself, about my strengths and weaknesses, my goals in life, about my overwhelming desire to work. To work for them, to improve myself daily, to always always give my best.
I lie. A lot.
I pretend it's not about the money. I pretend I like to get up early every morning. I pretend to like to work full time. And I really pretend to be motivated to start something new.
"It's all not true", I want to scream at them. "Why do you even ask me? It's so obvious that all this is just a silly game for adults!"

In truth, I lack the motivation and it's all about the money. I'd love to work part time just to have more time to do nothing. Starting something new doesn't give me the thrills. And I think my goals in life are none of your business!
I'm slacking off on my applications. Shameful me. Have to get started. Like really. Not halfheartedly, but where will I get this motivation?
Ah. Inside myself. Nothing's changed about this.

On to new waves!
I wonder how many people said this and then drowned. You never hear about them.
But I'm way too stubborn to drown in such a small puddle.