Friday, March 28, 2014


Since I'm now unemployed with nothing to do besides what I effing want I do crafting. Sewing to be exact. Blog post to come btw.

So sewing occupies my eyes and my hands and I'm actually pretty much glued to my table, because I can't sew without light. Understand me right here: the best of lights. The brightest, the closest. Yeah. It's also the hottest, because I'm using up old light bulbs. They work just fine. Can't throw them away just cuz they burn my eyelashes, right?

Sewing keeps me busy, but my head feels bored then. So I watch documentaries on YouTube. Well, it's not really watching... my eyes are on my sewing, so it's more listening. And I don't even miss a lot. I don't need to see some ugly "expert" standing in some desert or library speaking. I just need to hear his words.

But here my trouble starts. Why can't people speak properly?! I mean, this is a documentary. It's going to be shown to a lot of people and every mistake you made will be repeated with every viewing. And these mistakes make my skin crawl.
Like when they say "itch" instead of "it's" or "leave" instead of "live". Or, the worst so far, and this was by the actual narrator: "pitcher" instead of "picture"!
Okay, English isn't my native language, but I try, okay? How come these people don't?! How come the director doesn't tell them that this was wrong and to please try again. Or to fucking stop saying "uh... ehm... uh" after every two words. Make up your mind what you want to say, sweetie. Take your time. Done? Let's try again.

Can't be that hard!

Monday, March 10, 2014


Explanation first: My parents are divorced and have been for years. My mother always talks badly about my father. All her time with him was shite and blah.

So last year I went to my mother's birthday party. She made a big thing out of it, rented a room with awesome food and lots of people came. Her boyfriend wanted to make a speech about my mother as entertainment. She had wished for stuff like that. He had asked me to help so we'd deliver the speech as a team.

So he picked me up at the station to accompany to my mother's place. The ride takes a bit less than an hour and he wanted to use the time to show me the power point presentation he made. Started kinda nice. My mother as a baby, as a child, as a teenager. Then a picture of Voldemort. I couldn't make the connection and asked "Why Voldemort?"
He answered "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."
I still didn't get it and looked at him showing cluelessness.
So he said "It's your father."
I was shocked. So shocked.
I said "Delete it."
So he did and told me "It's too much, right? That's why I wanted to ask you."
I was too shocked to say much. But what is there to ask! Just switch on your brain and think!

Later I found myself asking myself what he wanted to say along to that picture.
My. God.

There was to be more. Of course.

During the party my grandfather (weird, but mostly funny man) got up to give a speech about my mother. It was funny. He told little stories about her as a baby, then went on about her childhood, her finishing school, starting to work, being all adult and how that wasn't always easy for him as a father. But he just couldn't keep it nice and funny: "Then she married this man and got a child. Luckily, this marriage failed and she divorced him."
It almost knocked me off my chair! Luckily?!
Is it ever lucky when a marriage fails?! I think it's always a sad, regrettable thing to happen!
Also, I sat right there in his audience. The child of this marrige, that "luckily" failed! If this marriage was all bad and better wouldn't have happened to my mother... what am I then?!

Awkward to be at this party to say the least.

At this party my mother's workmates later tried to coax something out of me about my father. I had the feeling they thought me pitiful. I also had the feeling they thought my father a violent, evil and stupid asshole. What did she tell them?!

It's true it wasn't all sunshine, but my father is not the evil man they think him.
Also, this marriage didn't happen to my mother. She begged him to marry her, she decided to have a child early in the relationship. She wanted him.

Of course this can change, emotions change... but does it have to swap to this hostility?

I'm surrounded by madness!