Wednesday, November 26, 2014

One Colour

When I saw this title "one colour" I immediately thought of grey. The grey of depression. For the lucky ones of us, who don't know what the eff I'm talking about, I'll elaborate.

A few years ago, when I fell down really deep into that awful pit that's depression, I didn't feel bad. I didn't feel sad. I didn't feel at all. There was a bit of fear, because the absolute absence of feeling is kinda scary. The scariness of it all made me get out. It all didn't seem like a part of myself, but a foreign part from outside that made me be this way. Like something invaded me and tried to kill me from within. Because the only way to escape it all seemed to be death. It's the wrong conclusion and I'm glad I had the sense not to do it. (But then again I battled with suicidal thoughts for about 10 years by then, so maybe I've been experienced.)

The depression not only made me feel almost nothing, it also let me taste and see almost nothing. All meals tasted like wet paper. Not in an icky way, just indifferent.

I also couldn't see. My vision changed. All the colours disappeared. Everything had a thick grey fog over it. Like really thick dust and this everywhere I looked. There was no real sunlight any more, it was all a very dark November. Even though I fell into that pit during the summer. All the things didn't have their original colour, instead they were all grey. And I don't mean like in a black and white photograph, because that's different. In a photograph everything has its own shade of grey and this looks quite pretty, I think. But during the depression everything had pretty much the same shade of grey. It made the suicidal thoughts even more sensible. "If the world looks this bad, then let's just get out of it."

Grey can be a pretty colour, if it's surrounded by more lively colours. But on its own, it's just so awful.

I never want to experience "one colour" ever again!


This post is part of Corner View, hosted by Francesca.

21 comments:

  1. Thanks for boldly sharing your grey, I can relate. Here's to days full of Kaleidoscope rays.

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    1. Sorry you can relate. Let's never fall down that far again! :-)

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  2. it can't have been easy to find color again, and i'm so glad that you did.
    hugs.

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    1. It's never easy, but I'm fighting everyday. :-)

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  3. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I hope you don't have to ever again. I wish for your happiness. I know you can find it. :)

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  4. I hope you never experience it again either! Sending rainbows your way!

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    1. It's never gotten this bad again. I can see the rainbows now. :-)

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  5. wow. that is incredibly descriptive. i'm sorry for that horrible time in your life ... i'm glad that it is over and you are seeing many colors again!

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    1. I'm also glad it's over. It really was horrible.
      But now things are fine. :-)

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  6. Hoping your days are filled with a rainbow of colors!

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    1. A variety of colours is the best! :-)

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  7. it must set off against all the colours in the world, this grey. it is an impressive account of what depression can be like. bald! n♥

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    1. Impressive it was. I even thought to myself back then "what strange things can happen!" :-D

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  8. This is my first visit here, from Corner View. I'm glad to hear that you can see in color again. I know it's not an easy place from which to escape.
    d

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    1. So sorry that you know.
      Thank you for visiting!

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  9. I hope from now on it is only rainbows for you!!!

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    1. Somehow this sounds like "may your life be interesting"... It's a curse! ;-)

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  10. Thanks for sharing.
    I am supposedly a "Highly Sensitive Person" so when I become depressed I find it easier to disconnect from feelings. I end up disconnecting and pulling away from life and reality even further because I don't have the emotional fortitude to deal with much else other than closing into a little cocoon. Once in my little bubble it's hard to pry me out. Luckily suicide takes far too much effort than just withering away. So I sit in a little shell of silence, solitude and grey. I am glad I have not had moment like that in a few years now.

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    1. Let's not have such moments ever again! Neither grey nor catatonic. :-)

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